Idiot of the Week XI

Been awhile since I did this, and I know it's not Friday, but this is just too good to pass up.

A word of advice to all would be crooks. Make sure you accurately know who you are dealing with before attempting to rob a store. Case and point. The scene is early morning Somerset, England. A gang of robbers break into a Premier News shop brandishing claw hammers. They assault the owner, demanding money. Insert Anne Withers, age 55. Opening the store with her boss, she bursts forth from the aisle brandishing a broom. Mightiest of weapons, the humble broom, she begins to beat the youths who she eventually sends fleeing in terror from the store, tails tucked soundly between their legs. Way to go guys, that's one heck of a story to bring back to the boys.

Idiot of the Week VIII

Wow. Today's Idiot of the Week is kind of hard to top. This comes directly from my place of business. It is actually our Corporate Marketing Director. She sent us out a notice about how well we are doing, according to the Nilson report. It would appear that our company is now #11 in the industry, up from #13 last year. She was so proud to tell us that we continue to be within the top 10 processors in the nation.

Yeah... I'll let that one just sink in.

Idiot of the Week VII

It's that time of the week again. I know I said I wouldn't post again unless my last post had 6 comments, but I got close enough, and I really don't like passing up this article.

First on our list we have the Israeli people. Not much I have to put on this one. Just that they are suing their government for laser cannons. Man... why isn't MY government providing ME with laser cannons?

Next on the list, we have several merchants that I have had contact with in California. These merchants called in all confused about getting into trouble for these gift cards that they took from cardholders. I mean, the cardboard credit cards are good, right? Okay people, let me clear this up right now. THERE ARE NO SUCH THING AS CARDBOARD CREDIT CARDS! Really. I do wonder how any of these people stay in business at all.

And finally this week, our winner, coming to us from Springdale, U.S.A., Jarrod Hankins. He's a bailiff for the Washington County court district. And what did our good bailiff do to attract my attention? Well, picture this. You are a defendant in a case of selling pirated CDs. You're pleading innocent. The judge dictates to put you into custody for violating the conditions of your bail. So the bailff takes you away. Having no other place to hold you until he can clean up a cell, he places you in an 8 and a half foot by 9 and a half foot room. Solitary. And then he leaves. He leaves and forgets you there for four days. Alone. No food, no water, no bed. Yeah... it's one thing when your stupidity hurts yourself. It's another when it hurts someone else. Way to go Jarrod. You are this weeks idiot of the week!

Idiot of the Week VI

No no. Oh god no. Please tell me it isn't so!
Hoooooooooboy. Alright, Party guests... this week we have quite the crowning achievement for Idiot of the week. First a few runners up, but then... a scathing review on one of my biggest peeves.

First off, a few from work, mine and a friend's. No links to follow, you just have to take my word. First, from a friend who was moonlighting at Jamba Juice for awhile. A man comes stomping in, business suit, looking important. He marches right up to the counter and states that he wants a Strawberry-banana Smoothie. Okay people, back up in time with me to about 1999, which was about the last time in this country that you could walk into a coffee store, order a "coffee" and get a cup of steaming hot black liquid within 30 seconds. Now, bear with me folks, I know it's ONLY been almost a decade since then, but what tree do you have to live up to know, you can't walk into Starbuck's and just get a coffee, and you can't walk into Jamba Juice and get JUST a strawberry-banana smootie? So, back to my friend, who responds back to the man, "Which one?" And she may as well have punched him in the stomach. He opens his mouth, astounded, stumbles, and finally looks up at the board, for the first time, amazed at this wonder of modern science called writing. Fast forward about 20 minutes, (and let's not even go on about the free boost), and the man has ordered his smoothie. Brilliant.
Speaking of brilliant, let me give you a quick run down of what I do at work in case you haven't read all my posts. I work the chargeback department of a merchant processing center. In easier language, when you the creditcard holder find a charge on your bill that you don't like, and you go to your bank, they take it off. I'm the guy who has to help the merchant find his documentation to fight back to take your money back away. So this lady calls in. She got a chargeback. Fairly large dollar amount. Now, on the notice we send, in BIG BOLD LETTERS it says: ATTENTION, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE CREDIT THIS CUSTOMER. Why, you ask? The chargeback already did credit the customer. Anything more is a double credit. So the merchant calls in, we explain all this to her. What does she tell us? Just yesterday she cut this customer a check. Not only did she just ignore the big letters, she sends, quite possibly, the worst form of credit ever! And then what does she say when we inform her that the cardholder now has the merchandise and two full credits? That she doesn't really care. Wow... I know now where I need to do all my future shopping.

Ah, welcome back to the age of the caveman, when disputes were settled with brute force and thick skulls instead of laws and intellegence. So, a couple local to my area took possession of part of their neighbor's land due to an obscure law that states that a person my lay claim to any land that they have been using, uncontested, for 18 years. First off, that's a long time to sit in one place that someone else claims to be theirs when that person doesn't actually come and tell you to shoo. However, what cave did these people crawl out of who sent a letter to this couple that had a rifle cartridge and a shotgun shell in it, posing the question of which would the couple like to face.

What moron hired this TSA employee? So you see a KID, 14, coming aboard a plane. He has a feeding tube INTO HIS FREAKING STOMACH. And your security check point monkey looks at this and his skull pops open that the little red "terrorist" light pops up. So he waddles over to the boy and, dispite protests and any level of better judgement, opens up sterile medical equipment, contaminating it. And it gets better. When the airport is forced to look at it, all they do is say "oops, sorry" and say they are looking into the incident to see what corrective steps need to be taken. What steps? You fire the gorrilla who thought a 14 year old boy with a tube shoved into his stomach was a terrorist, then you fire the monkey who hired the gorrilla. THEN you stop thinking every person who sets foot into an airport is a terrorist. Seriously. What is a terrorist? One who inspires terror. And who is doing that better? Why, every government power that is making us all afraid of ourselves and each other. Congradulations... we're terrified.

And finally, the winner this week. Anyone who knows me at all knows there is one big thing that urks me beyond any reasonable human endurance. Text speak. It really doesn't take but a few seconds to write a full word out. Now, don't get me wrong. Chatting with friends I'll use words like "lol" and "brb". But really... wen u hav a msg that loks lik ths, especially with additions like "u2" "b4" "4get". I go ballistic. The worst I have ever gotten before today was when my 30 year old, older sister, sent me a text like that. It was like some 10 year old valley girl got ahold of her phone. It was embarrasing. But then today happened! I've got not one, but TWO equal winners. First, in older news, apparently New Zealand is allowing students to fill out exams IN TEXT SPEAK! No! No people! Stop it. This does not promote higher education.
But as bad as that is, this is worse! If you hate your offspring so much, please just tie off your reproductive organs, or just stop having sex altogether! This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Have some dignity people!
I can't even think anymore, I'm so incensed. So, there you have it people. The idiot of the week this week... every twit who speaks like this.

Idiot of the Week V

Today's idiot of the week feature has two groups of, as Weird Al called them, the "young, dumb, and ugly".

First, we have a pair of Aussie blokes who thought they saw an easy target to rob in a sporting and community club. Their was one small detail the overlooked. The 50 large bikers that were having their monthly meeting in the next room over. Sure, the two would be robbers had machetes. But the bikers, part of the Southern Cross Cruisers, had chairs, tables, and anything not nailed down. I'd say these guys got off lucky with as few injuries as they substained.

The next group found out first hand that sometimes movies leave out the important detail. Specifically, the practice. Sure, anyone who watches a movie like "The Fast and the Furious" might see all those street racers and think that it looks relatively easy. But they don't show all those racers as they learn their skills, constantly ending up in the ditch. Had these three teens in question actually watched Disney's Cars, they would have foreseen their inevitable fate yesterday. At roughly 3 p.m., three teenagers driving down Colorado State Hwy 36 decided to attempt to perform a manuever called a drift... and found themselves in a ditch. Once again, lucky they made it out with as few injuries as they did.

Idiot of the Week IV

So, I'm not sure why I have harder times posting a blog on certain days, but I'm working on it. Also, watch for changes in layout to the page as I try to make it more user friendly.

So today we start our installment of Idiot of the Week with the runners up. From mysterious changing numbers to technological mishaps.

First of all, we have the illustrious journalists from the Rocky Mountain News. The Associated Press released a story about a cat that was scared, by a house fire, and found 240 miles away from its Albuquerque, NM home, to Pueblo, CO. And while their competitor, the Denver Post, was able to accurately copy the article and the land distance, it seems the ever illustrious Rocky Mountain News knows better than to think a cat would travel over land, why it must stick to the road ways only. At least, that's the only way I can figure their idea that the cat traveled 340 miles, instead. Check Google maps. You'll see what I mean. I suppose it makes sense. After all, cat is only one letter away from car.

Next, an honorable meantion goes to Microsoft, how saw fit to really embody the reality of gaming by debuting at GDC with an Xbox 360 with the Red Ring of Death.

Our next story shows stupidity on both ends of the story. A man was accidentally given $5 million dollars in their account when the bank mistook him for a customer of the same name. The man, excited by his new windfall, withdrew $2 million and did what anyone would. Spent it. Unfortunately now he is paying for it. Let this be a lesson to you all. If you happen to find a lot of money in your bank that shouldn't be there, either by bank error, or your employer errs on your check, DO NOT USE IT. You are liable to return that money and it will be considered theft or fraud if you take advantage of it.

For our first runner up, showing outstanding integrity of investigative journalism, I bring you piece from Cosmic Variance about a recent news article by the National Review Online. It would appear that the fine journalist writing the piece calls memory to her childhood in New York City in the late 50's and early 60's and how the mixed families their were often made up of Jewish women who had been hoodwinked by Communist Black men. And due to this fact, Hawaiian born political candidate Barack Obama must also, surely, be Communist. Didn't the Red Scare die with Flock of Sea Gulls hair cuts and sweat band? Please, read the article. By the end we see that through other sources, the good Senator has been accused, by association, of being a Commie/Nazi/Muslim revolutionary. Thank you Cosmic Variance for this satire on the sad state of journalism.

And now for our big winner. I was really trying not to include this man. But when one person shows up 4 seperate times, well you can only ignore it so much. Jack Thompson, you are our Idiot of the week. Now, if you don't know who Jack Thompson is, you live under a rock, go look him up. I'm not about to send all the various news articles about his rampages on this article. No, I'll stick just with what has gone down this week and this week alone.
We start with a little tete-a-tete that Thompson started with a fellow gamer at the beginning of the week. See, Thompson read a blog by Samuel L. Jackson in regards to Thompson's statements about video games and school shootings in Illinois. Thompson reacted by challenging the "bad-ass" actor to a golf game, and a public debate about the issue, complimented him on his acting in "Black Snake Moan", and then left him a phone number and email address to contact him back. Only problem is, Thompson seemed to have missed the large print on the blog that stated that this was FAKE Samuel L. Jackson and that "These Blogs Are Not Real". And then Jackson shoved all this over to Kotaku... as a press release. Brilliant. Put your phone number and email up on the internet on a site challenging a celebrity to a debate on a website that has nothing to do with that celebrity. I sometimes wonder if Thompson Googles himself daily to see who talks about him. We'll find out if I get served any papers by the good lawyer this coming week or not.
Speaking of serving papers, the lawyer has gone sue happy this week, as he threatens MSNBC with civil action in the Florida court on charges of libel for a piece they ran in regards to his quick reaction and blame-throwing in regards to these same shootings. However, look at the piece, and you have to wonder what libel Thompson is seeing. The American Heritage dictionary describes libel as "A false publication, as in writing, print, signs, or pictures, that damages a person's reputation." (ref.)
Shortly after this, we find out that Thompson was challenged BACK by Fake Samuel L. Jackson to a public debate, spent all day planning it out, and then backs out.
Okay... so those three in and of themselves, I was going to ignore, leave alone, walk away from JT... but then we get the kicker. Not content with the Hat Trick, Thompson goes for four in a week when Florida State Supreme Court served Thompson with a "show cause" order. This basically means that he has to show good cause for all of the fillings he has been submitting to the court system, that the court it self states seems to be "frivolous and inappropriate". They also tell him that if they find him guilty of abusing the legal system he will not be allowed to submit any other requests to the court unless another Barred Florida attorney also signs off on it. And how does the illustrious Jack Thompson, attorney, respond? By thanking them. By stating he had just been given "the weapon" he needed. Careful Thompson. Running around with a weapon of such magnitude may push you to some strange school shooting. He also goes on to state that the court is trying to repel his first amendment rights, calling himself a whisleblower who is gaining retribution for bowing his whistle (ever heard a 4 year old who has for the first time found a whistle to blow and thinks its a great toy?), speaks in third person about how he does not threaten, and then calls himself Briar Rabbit. I can't think of more this man could have done to better earn this award this week. Congradulations to all our contestants, good show, but ultimately, there can be only ONE, Idiot of the Week.

Idiot of the Week 3

This week's Idiot of the Week is brought to you by dirty old men. It seems that in Colorado Springs, CO. a 73 year old man was arrested for offering a high school student money in exchange for having sex with him. I guess the old guy just got in his new supply of Viagra and had to try it out.
This week's runner up goes to several people. Twenty-three to be exact. That is the number of people with outstanding warrants for their arrests who were picked up Valentine's day by police officers masquerading as flower delivery people.

Idiot of the Week 2

This week findind my idiot was not hard. I didn't have to look for him, he came right to me. Once again, my source comes from work.
It started like any other call. I was returning a voice mail from a merchant who had some questions concerning a request for a credit card receipt he had recieved. He was on his next to last day to respond, had been out of town for awhile, and was trying to get more information on the request.
Again, like any other call, I explained to the merchant that we do not have access to the cardholder's name or personal data as we do not actually work for the cardholder or their bank. I was, however, able to give more transaction information and payment information. So I sat there, for the next 15-20 minutes, as the man goes looking for the transaction. Now, at this point it is important to note, the man has told me that he is at his home, not his office, and as such does not have all his documents with him. But he's looking anyway. Okay, did you commit that to memory? Let me highlight that in bold. He was not at his office and did not have all his information. Okay, moving on.
Anyway, at the end of this little scavanger hunt, he tells me he just has no information on this transaction and that we, as his advocates, need to go back to the cardholder's bank and get the cardholder's name because, "let me tell you, sometimes there are idiots on that side that don't know what they are doing." I explain to him that we can not do that. Well, we can, physically, call the bank and ask. And the bank, can and will, physically tell us to sit on it and rotate. I also informed him that the information that the bank sent us matches what we show coming from his terminal. And this is where apparently I went wrong.

Suddenly, from kind, quiet, understanding old man, to howler monkey. He starts screeming at me about how dare I be so arrogant. At this point I'm quite confused. When had I been arrogant? How dare I be so arrogant to say that I absolutely could not be wrong. I'm sorry sir, I did not actually say that. Well, yes I did, I said that I absolutely could not be wrong. At this point, he finds it necessary to inform me that he is 62 years old and that while usually in a situation like this he is wrong 99% of the time, that still leaves 1% of the time that he is right and how dare I be so arrogant as to say that that chance didn't exist.
Then he goes on to talk about how he almost had left our company (by now I was wishing he HAD) due to technical problems, and that he finally had to call the VP of operations (who I would like to point out is a VP in nothing more than paper... to SOUND important) who thanked him so much for helping find this problem that she sent him one of our companies logo'ed duffle bags. And if I'm ever in Virginia I have to swing by and see his duffle bag. And he was so damned proud of his duffle bag... that anyone could buy for less than $30.
Well, for 15 minutes I listen to this guy talk about his duffle bag, and how arrogant I am. This whole time he is screaming like Bullet Ant on the war path, and I was speaking in a very calm, collected tone. Finally, after explaining that I couldn't email the proof of what we show due to security reasons but I could fax, he gives me a fax number. Then he tells me that he wants me to call him back the next day, and WHEN he is right he wants me to apologize to him for my arrogance. Do remember that all this time he is not at his office and doesn't have all his information.
Oh, but it gets better. Remember that fax number he gave? I read it back and confirmed it. It doesn't work. Screw it, I don't want to deal with this guy any more, so I give it to a manager to call back. And she does. And the number I have, and the number he gave her... off by one number. An 8 and a 6. And as soon as he hears this, he explodes on her about this just shows how arrogant we are and proves that we can make mistakes, and that she should be on her knees thanking him profusely when her next paycheck came in, because if it weren't for merchants like him, she wouldn't have a job.

However, there is just a little bit more. The next day, I get a call in from this nice, soft spoken old fellow who is calling in to get some things figured out and to explain the situation. And then I get to look at his account. It's the same guy. He conspicuously spends the next ten minutes talking to me and not mentioning the day before at all, trying to act like he had never called in at all. I was repressing laughing so hard. I really wanted to ask him for an apology, but figured that would just show how "arrogant" I was and just escalate things again. So I handled the phone call correctly. And what did the issue turn out to be? One of his employees had put information in incorrectly back in June, and then re-ran everything that didn't go through at the end of the year.
All this came clear... once he got to his office, and had all his information.

So, for this week, Steve of Virginia. You sir, are an idiot.

Idiot of the Week 1

Good morning people, it's Friday. That means time for the first installment of the Mad Hatter's Idiot of the week series.
Originally it had been my plan just to list the most mind-numbingly stupid person, or people, I had encountered in my day to day life. However, it seems this week we had enough stupidity to add a runner up. To quote The Tallest: "Gooooood for you."

First runner up belongs to the Denver police department and Colorado state mental institution. After all, who else could sit and listen to a man admit that he has previously feigned mental instability so as to shorten lengthy prison terms, and then later, put him into the Colorado state mental hospital who would then loss him, not just again, but for the fifth time. Congratulations to the runners up.

Our winner for today comes from a story from my work. My work deals with the business of chargebacks. Now, there are certain basic principles that drive how commerce should work, and certain rules and regulations that Visa/MC expect merchants to follow to protect a sale. One of those is getting a swipe or imprint of the card. The other is to get a valid authorization the first time. Another is to get a signature. Now, that second one is important to my story and important for any business owners out there reading this to focus on. You see, Visa/MC dictate that if a card ever registers a "decline" status, of any form, you stop right there, you do not try again, you do not pass go, and if you want to collect your 200 dollars, you collect it by a different means.
Enter a specific car dealership we happen to process for. A cardholder's bank did something very unique and very nice. They called up the dealership to inform them that a substantial chargeback would be coming in against them as the cardholder's card had been stolen and run at their establishment, have a nice day. That merchant then called us up to see what was up and if we could prevent it. My co-worker who handled the call later showed me the authorization log for this sale. The merchant got TWO declines when trying to run it, then forced the sale through. Way to go guys, you FAIL. However, that's not the worst part. The worst part is that the sale that this merchant is not only out the merchandise on, but will soon be out the money on too... it was for in excess of $34,700. Congratulations, sirs, you are this weeks IDIOT OF THE WEEK.