Friday, March 7, 2008

Idiot of the Week VI

No no. Oh god no. Please tell me it isn't so!
Hoooooooooboy. Alright, Party guests... this week we have quite the crowning achievement for Idiot of the week. First a few runners up, but then... a scathing review on one of my biggest peeves.

First off, a few from work, mine and a friend's. No links to follow, you just have to take my word. First, from a friend who was moonlighting at Jamba Juice for awhile. A man comes stomping in, business suit, looking important. He marches right up to the counter and states that he wants a Strawberry-banana Smoothie. Okay people, back up in time with me to about 1999, which was about the last time in this country that you could walk into a coffee store, order a "coffee" and get a cup of steaming hot black liquid within 30 seconds. Now, bear with me folks, I know it's ONLY been almost a decade since then, but what tree do you have to live up to know, you can't walk into Starbuck's and just get a coffee, and you can't walk into Jamba Juice and get JUST a strawberry-banana smootie? So, back to my friend, who responds back to the man, "Which one?" And she may as well have punched him in the stomach. He opens his mouth, astounded, stumbles, and finally looks up at the board, for the first time, amazed at this wonder of modern science called writing. Fast forward about 20 minutes, (and let's not even go on about the free boost), and the man has ordered his smoothie. Brilliant.
Speaking of brilliant, let me give you a quick run down of what I do at work in case you haven't read all my posts. I work the chargeback department of a merchant processing center. In easier language, when you the creditcard holder find a charge on your bill that you don't like, and you go to your bank, they take it off. I'm the guy who has to help the merchant find his documentation to fight back to take your money back away. So this lady calls in. She got a chargeback. Fairly large dollar amount. Now, on the notice we send, in BIG BOLD LETTERS it says: ATTENTION, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE CREDIT THIS CUSTOMER. Why, you ask? The chargeback already did credit the customer. Anything more is a double credit. So the merchant calls in, we explain all this to her. What does she tell us? Just yesterday she cut this customer a check. Not only did she just ignore the big letters, she sends, quite possibly, the worst form of credit ever! And then what does she say when we inform her that the cardholder now has the merchandise and two full credits? That she doesn't really care. Wow... I know now where I need to do all my future shopping.

Ah, welcome back to the age of the caveman, when disputes were settled with brute force and thick skulls instead of laws and intellegence. So, a couple local to my area took possession of part of their neighbor's land due to an obscure law that states that a person my lay claim to any land that they have been using, uncontested, for 18 years. First off, that's a long time to sit in one place that someone else claims to be theirs when that person doesn't actually come and tell you to shoo. However, what cave did these people crawl out of who sent a letter to this couple that had a rifle cartridge and a shotgun shell in it, posing the question of which would the couple like to face.

What moron hired this TSA employee? So you see a KID, 14, coming aboard a plane. He has a feeding tube INTO HIS FREAKING STOMACH. And your security check point monkey looks at this and his skull pops open that the little red "terrorist" light pops up. So he waddles over to the boy and, dispite protests and any level of better judgement, opens up sterile medical equipment, contaminating it. And it gets better. When the airport is forced to look at it, all they do is say "oops, sorry" and say they are looking into the incident to see what corrective steps need to be taken. What steps? You fire the gorrilla who thought a 14 year old boy with a tube shoved into his stomach was a terrorist, then you fire the monkey who hired the gorrilla. THEN you stop thinking every person who sets foot into an airport is a terrorist. Seriously. What is a terrorist? One who inspires terror. And who is doing that better? Why, every government power that is making us all afraid of ourselves and each other. Congradulations... we're terrified.

And finally, the winner this week. Anyone who knows me at all knows there is one big thing that urks me beyond any reasonable human endurance. Text speak. It really doesn't take but a few seconds to write a full word out. Now, don't get me wrong. Chatting with friends I'll use words like "lol" and "brb". But really... wen u hav a msg that loks lik ths, especially with additions like "u2" "b4" "4get". I go ballistic. The worst I have ever gotten before today was when my 30 year old, older sister, sent me a text like that. It was like some 10 year old valley girl got ahold of her phone. It was embarrasing. But then today happened! I've got not one, but TWO equal winners. First, in older news, apparently New Zealand is allowing students to fill out exams IN TEXT SPEAK! No! No people! Stop it. This does not promote higher education.
But as bad as that is, this is worse! If you hate your offspring so much, please just tie off your reproductive organs, or just stop having sex altogether! This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Have some dignity people!
I can't even think anymore, I'm so incensed. So, there you have it people. The idiot of the week this week... every twit who speaks like this.


Elly said...

Okay, Dan, let's just clear one thing up: you're not "incessed." Or at least I hope you're not. You're "incensed."

Whew, glad we cleared that up.

Anonymous said...

Next thing on the certificate: little Bobby Tables.